Well, I certainly was NOT expecting the incredible feedback and reaction to my New Year’s resolution blog on forgiveness or lack thereof (SEE HERE: When There Can’t Be Forgiveness.) The one question I have been asked repeatedly was “What was it that pushed you over the edge?” “Who could push you THAT far?” and “What happened?” (Yes, that’s three questions, but who’s counting – well, except for my OCD peeps!)
Without divulging who they are or the specifics, because they are irrelevant (both them AND the specifics), I will share HOW IT MADE ME FEEL. Imagine being friends with a person or group of individuals, close enough that you have them over for holidays. You have supper at their house. Your children play together. People you cared enough about to take a bat to the kneecaps of anyone who messed with them (okay, figuratively speaking. I am from Brooklyn after all.) People who you not only trusted and shared secrets with, but they trusted you with THEIR secrets.
Then imagine seeing them all together, having purposely excluded you. Then to top it all off, they sever all ties with you. Basically kick you out the door, as if they had been planning it for weeks. There aren’t enough adjectives in the English language to describe that feeling. Betrayed comes to mind. Alone. Hated. Lost. Confused. Isolated. I could go on all day. A pain so immense, if makes you wonder if your life is worth living.
Pain is not something I’m a fan of (really, who is?) nor is it something I deal with often. I’m a “tell it like it is” kinda gal so I very rarely put up with crap. Yet, in this instance I was blindsided. It was on a level of epic proportion. So my takeaway is also on a level of epic proportion.
Sure, apologies aren’t easy. Sure, apologies should be accepted. Unfortunately, in 2017, I’m not subscribing to that ideal. I often think “Perhaps they made a mistake” or “Perhaps they had a change of heart.” Then I remember, nope. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “What about giving them the benefit of the doubt.” “What if their apology is genuine.” “Wouldn’t you want your apology accepted if you hurt or offended someone so badly?” And the answer is yes and no. If a person makes a mistake that causes another to question their own existence, then the hurt is on a level beyond repair. I mean, how does one trust another who caused an emotional grand canyon in their soul?
So, why did I share this? It’s pretty personal to say the least but I share so that you too are aware that you don’t always have to accept an “I’m sorry.” If you feel that the hurt is too great to bear, than of course you don’t have to kiss and make-up. It’s okay to not play nice. It is YOUR right. Again, there are those of you screaming at the computer that G-d forgives and yes, that is wonderful. But he also gives us the ability to decide what’s best for us and if that toxic individual can put you at risk again, simply say Adios amigo. Or former amigo.
Am I bitter? No. Am I angry? Nope. Why? Because like the mighty Phoenix, I rose from the ashes and moved onto bigger and better things. My life. My family. My community. All better off with me helping people the way I want to. No phoniness. No shenanigans. No being fake. I live my truth each day. I speak my mind. I see beauty in the mundane. I live my life the way I was meant to live it. Perhaps, I should send them a thank you card?