When There Can’t Be Forgiveness
It’s 2017 and my New Year’s Resolution is not to forgive. There. I said it and I’m not apologizing. I plan on not forgiving this year. Not everyone, just some; the ones who don’t deserve it.
Every religious leader. Every guru. Every spiritual adviser. They all preach the idea that forgiveness will somehow set you free. We even hear stories of families of murder victims forgiving the perpetrator. Well, I’m not biting. Not this year.
You see most people are worthy of forgiveness; they tend to be people who are genuinely sorry. Then there are those who simply aren’t deserving; they’re ones who don’t care. These are the people who when you’re so hurt they keep pushing you down into the ground. They’re not concerned about your well-being. They are, shall I say, narcissists!
I had some people wrong me last year and in a really bad way. I spent all year mustering up the nerve to forgive them. There was no apology. There was no attempt at contact. Frankly, they probably don’t know if I’m dead or alive. But I tried for myself. To “set myself free.” And what did I realize… they don’t deserve it. They aren’t worthy of my forgiveness. I know that sounds controversial. I’m sure some of you are thinking “but G-d forgives.” Honestly, you’re right. That is for the man upstairs to decide. Not me.
So how did I get to this conclusion…I’m a seemingly rational and logical person who wants everyone ” to just get along.” Yet, why can’t I find it in my heart to forgive? It’s simple. If I forgive, I risk putting myself at their mercy all over again. Believe me, I have read stories of Holocaust survivors being able to “forgive but not forget” and I do think to myself, well if they can do it… But I choose not to. It’s not like I’m imprisoning myself. It’s not like I’m holding a grudge forever. I’m just choosing to protect me. My spirit. My soul. My mental health.
It’s far more empowering for me to feel this way, choose how I look at the situation which lead to the darkest times in my life and decide my takeaways from it. Perhaps I will feel different in the future. Perhaps I might reconsider if ever there were an apology. Perhaps 2018, may bring a kinder more gentler woman. But as of right now, I feel pretty free and that’s an amazing feeling.